12 September

September 12, 2019 at 00:08 (Survival) (Life Philosophy)

12 September 2019.

Facebook Status Reminder pop-up in the screen, written 8 years ago..

Masih deg-deg an, takut, dan bimbang, another first step I had to take in my new crossroad I had chosen, may god speed..

“Ini aku! Putra ayahku! Berikan padaku sesuatu yang besar untuk kutaklukkan! Beri aku mimpi-mimpi yang tak mungkin karena aku belum menyerah! Takkan pernah menyerah! Takkan pernah!”

This is ME! The son of my father! Give me something big for me to conquer! Give me dreams which is impossible coz I ain’t giving up yet, NEVER give up! NEVER!”

 

12 September 2011.

A flashback, happened 8 years ago..

The day is today, langkah pertama di kantor baru.. A crossroad.. All is different.. Ijazah, keahlian, dan pengalaman semua di elektrikal, sementara kantor baru bergerak di mekanikal.. Segmen market sebelumnya di industri umum (tekstil, food ‘n beverage, otomotif), sedangkan kantor baru harus berurusan dengan pembangkit listrik dan juga perminyakan.. Kantor lama guidance dan targetnya jelas, kantor baru harus memulai semua dari awal, creating a guidance itself upon its journey.. A true crossroad, a true twist, a true upside down road..

But yet, walaupun sebagaimana diingatkan dalam status reminder facebook bahwa saat itu deg-deg an, takut, dan bimbang, toh harus dijalani juga.. Masih teringat beberapa waktu sebelumnya, bahkan masih sempat pamit kepada kedua orang tua, “Seandainya” kuawali pernyataanku pada mereka, “Seandainya, aku dipecat dari kantor baru karena tidak perform, jangan kaget ya, jangan stres pah buk, aku janji cari kerja lagi sesudahnya, sesegeranya”, ijinku.. Karena memang aku pun tak yakin mampu, tak yakin bisa, terlalu berbeda.. Tapi apa daya, surat resign sudah disampaikan, kontrak baru sudah ditanda-tangani, dan sebagaimana masa-masa sebelumnya, kaki pun harus kembali melangkah ke tempat baru, memulai perantauan dan petualangan baru..

Kutipan Andrea Hirata, dalam bukunya “Padang Bulan” mengingatkan dan memberikan semangat pada waktu itu, semangat dalam melangkah, dalam setiap ketidak-pastian, dalam setiap tantangan. “Ini aku!” ucapku, “Putra ayahku! Berikan padaku sesuatu yang besar untuk kutaklukkan! Beri aku mimpi-mimpi yang tak mungkin karena aku belum menyerah! Takkan pernah menyerah! Takkan pernah!

And it works, eventough the first several month always become the most difficut one, but I pass thru it flawlessly.. I didnt quit, I didnt stop, I didnt give up..

 

12 Maret 2019.

A flashback, exactly 6 months ago..

Its the last day of conversation that I remember having with my dad.. A night before he passed away.. He was humming on his bed, and I came to his room, meeting him, dengan nafas tersengalnya, he said: “Pangestuku tampa-nono le”, a javanese term in pewayangan, given as a blessing from a king to his people, or from gods to its disciples.. And I replied confidently: “Nggih, sendhika dhawuh”, without realizing why he suddenly said those words.. And the next day he passed away..

 

12 September 2019.

Today..

It has been, since that day, the worst fuckin’ 6 months in my fuckin’ life.. My world is crumbling.. I lost my mind, I try to limit my xanax consumption, they advise me to go to a psychiatrist instead of common doctor, the idea slipped away .. And no matter how much I convinced myself that this too is only a part of life, it will be difficult on its first several months, it still consumed me day by day.. I thought, by days, time will heal, but i was wrong, I forgot my own writing “Time Heal” 10 years ago, a writing that says TIME cannot heal, it can only camouflage things we do not want or refuse to see nor remember, but it cannot wipe the pain that might hurt us so much, time will never mend, so as it told by George Michael in his songs.

And as I wrote on “Only Human” saat menceritakan Cerita Kanker Paru Bapak, during his time of giving up as a human, I do too, only a human.. A human that lost his rocks of mountains, my dad.. And since he is gone, I can no longer scream how much I wont giving up because of I’m his son, I can no longer be strong enough, I can no longer do anything.. And today, 8 years after I scream out loud and confidently faced the uncertainty of life, 6 months after he left, the tears is again being shed.. A tears remembering another writing of “Suicide”, quoting The Script in their songs, prayin to a God, that I dont believe in, caused eventough I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing, a tears of hope and wishes, to fall asleep and not to be awakened, anymore..

 

12 September.