Only HUMAN

October 14, 2018 at 23:30 (Survival)

Only HUMAN.. Dad is merely just human.. As Jason Mraz said, made of flesh, made of sand, made of human..

The prognosis is not so good.. 2 minggu lalu, saat rangkaian tulisan ini mulai ditulis, dad was experiencing gejala parkinson and delirium.. Which mean not only he was shaken and unable to walk straight, nor having brakes when he’s walking, but also dia kehilangan kemampuan untuk merespon baik kata-kata ataupun tindakan, dan one of the worst is juga unable to recognize even his closest relatives (in this case me, mom, and sist)..

Delirium sendiri, bisa disebabkan beberapa hal.. Metastase (penyebaran) kanker di jaringan otak salah satunya.. Few months ago, neuro doctor said it was OK, its minimum, so no need to having another treatment in his brain.. Other possibilities was age catching up.. As neuron on every human brain will started to deceased every day since they are 20 years old, dad could experience this cause.. Other last possibilities was too many medicine taken, and this last one, is the only thing I could do to decrease the cause..

12-15 pills/day, thats the amount of medication he had to take.. Obat kemo, obat penguat lambung sebelum kemo, obat mual, obat tensi, obat gula, obat sesak, obat batuk, obat jantung, you name it, most probably we had it all.. We eventually decrease it up to 5 pills/day, lately even 3 pills/day.. And the rest, is only given depending on his needs (semisal sesak, maka baru dikasi obat sesak).. And it work, damn it work, the last 10 days, dad was back to normal.. He ate a lot, drink a lot, able to recognize mom, me, sist, and anybody else, speak many words, bahkan terkadang mau jalan kaki 50-100 meter di dalam kompleks.. Its a positive signs of healthy..

However, 10 days is what we got.. Setelah itu, bapak mulai ngedrop lagi.. Ga cuma jalan miring, untuk berdiri aja gemetar, dan kembali irresponsive dan lebih tidak mengenali tamu-tamu yang datang membesuk.. So, i guess that could happen on and on and on.. Kadang sehat, kadang ngedrop, begitu seterusnya.. Afterall, he is only human..

Kadang terbersit pertanyaan, kenapa harus bapak? Terkadang terbersit pemikiran juga, kasian bapak udah ga kuat, how long can he hold on? Is it better this way, or is it better the other way.. But we are not entitled to choose, kami hanya bisa mencoba memahami dan menjalani.. I remember once wrote about Life it self.. Bagaimana orang berusaha memahami hidup, dan bagaimana juga orang berusaha menjalani hidup.. Dalam tulisan Memahami dan Menjalani Hidup, Soren Kierkegaard yang saya kutip waktu itu mengatakan: Hidup hanya bisa dipahami bila kita melihat ke belakang, dan hanya bisa dijalani bila kita melihat ke depan.. Tapi, benarkah?

Sulit memahami tentang penyakit bapak, tentang kenapa harus bapak, dan sampai kapan bapak bisa bertahan.. Dan, lebih tidak mudah juga menjalani hari-hari kedepan, dimana bapak akan terus up and down situasinya.. But we are only human, who sometimes cannot choose permasalahan yang harus kita hadapi.. Some religius quote said: Tuhan tidak akan memberikan cobaan yang lebih besar dari yang kita bisa tanggung, but seeing dad in pain, I believe if He really exist, He did give a bigger trial to dad, more than he can bear..

Rangkaian tulisan ini.. Dimulai dari Suatu Adenocarcinoma, Masih Untung, SUSAH bukan berarti GAK BISA, dan yang terakhir Losing Hope mungkin akan berhenti disini, mungkin juga ngga.. So, I might not able to update about dad continuosly.. For those yang menyempatkan diri repot-repot ngeklik dan ngebaca, thanks.. For those yang menyempatkan diri menyapa dan menguatkan, also thanks.. For those yang knowing me or dad or mom, dan mampir besuk, maaf kalau bapak ga mengenali hahahahaha, jangan berkecil hati, tetaplah berusaha, toh kadang dia juga ga inget sapa saya, but still, thanks juga.. Yang pasti, kunjungan-kunjungan itu menguatkan ibuk (menguatkan dalam artian support ya, nyokap si tetep selalu nangis tiap dikunjungi dan cerita wkwkwk, apalagi diakhiri doa, meneteslah air mata ibuk)..

All of this writing was made and written for 2 (two) purposes only.. One, to share experience, semoga ada bagian-bagian yang mungkin bisa menjadi informasi buat mereka yang mengalami hal yang sama, toh tema besar blog ini adalah “never stop learning, never stop sharing, never stop create life for others”.. Mungkin ada yang baru mengalami, mungkin ada yang capek ngurus BPJS, mungkin ada yang lose hope.. Second, believe it or not hahaha, i too need therapy, and writing, learning, sharing, is one of my way of therapy.. Lagian, walaupun gw aslinya cengeng, writing is more macho daripada nangis di depan umum wkwkwkkw..

Me however, I am not giving up yet, no matter how much dad or mom lose hope, no matter how declining dad condition is.. I’m still me, sebagaimana akhir di tulisan yang pertama.. For me right now, i can only quote (I made this by the way hahaha): Diniati, dilakoni, lan dinikmati, siji-siji, nganti mari.. Diniati, dijalani, dan dinikmati, satu-satu, sampai selesai (atau sembuh, dalam ambiguitas bahasa jawa)..

Afterall, we are only HUMAN, not GOD..