Losing Hope

September 30, 2018 at 00:32 (Survival)

Losing hope is the most difficult part..

 

Day 50 of oral chemoteraphy at home (read: Suatu Adenocarcinoma).. Kemoterapi Bapak memasuki hari ke 50.. Thats 50 pills per day, thats 50 millions cost of pills (thanks to BPJS its free, read: Masih Untung), thats 50 days full of up and down feelings..

 

The reaction is different each day or week.. Sometimes dad mual dan muntah sepanjang hari, tapi sometimes tidak mual tidak muntah sama sekali.. Sometimes batuk tidak terhenti sepanjang hari, tapi sometimes batuk hilang tanpa bekas.. Sometimes tidak bisa makan walaupun cuma sesendok, tapi sometimes nafsu makan bapak kayak orang sehat.. Sometimes bapak ga bisa tidur berhari-hari, tapi sometimes tidur terus sampai bapak sendiri merasa bosan tidur.. Sometimes badan terasa bugar, tapi sometimes rasa sakit menyerang dada bapak teramat sangat..

Efek yang menetap cuma 1, bintik-bintik jerawat merah (rash) di wajah dan kulit badan disertai dengan kulit yang mengering.. Doc said (before we start the whole chemo process), that this effect is surely be there, some even would say the more the rash, the more the meds work.. Bisa aja diobati, tapi kalaupun harus dengan obat, mending fokus mengobati efek samping yang lain, mualnya kah, batuknya kah, sakitnya kah..

Luckily, sebagai orang yang berkutat dengan banyaknya obat sepanjang hidup dengan banyaknya penyakit yang saya derita, I can assume myself as a trained otodidak when it come to medication and drugs.. The medicine dad has to take, is too much.. 3x obat mual, 2x obat lambung, 3x obat sesak, 3x obat batuk, 2-3x obat nyeri, 1x obat kemo, 1x obat jantung, itupun belum jika ditambah obat-obat lain lagi, seandainya muncul efek lain, ataupun efek yang muncul semakin besar.. So, when dad start to give up on drinking meds, the only solution is too administer the meds depending on his needs.. With this way, we can limit the numbers of meds he had to take daily, eventough it also means, we have to changed the meds scope each day..

No, its not impossible.. Difficult? Maybe, but as I said in the previous notes, read: SUSAH bukan berarti GAK BISA.. Many ways were tried, setting alarm in dad’s phone stating what meds he had to take and what time he had to take them, membagi obat dalam masing-masing zona waktu, termasuk menulis nama obat-obatnya dengan huruf kapital bold besar.. But 1x, 2x, 3x, dad keeps missing/mistaken in taking the meds.. Since obat-obatan yang disediakan hanya untuk konsumsi 1-2 hari, sehingga bisa dengan gampang dicek ketika ada obat yang salah/lupa minum.. When asked to dad? He simply said, “Bingung”..

Another ways were tried then.. Providing his own personal timesheet, ditempel di pintu, dikasi jam, so he do not need to remember the name of the meds (memang sih, baru sadar, its too many meds, too many names).. Tinggal liat hari, samain jam, minum.. Me, mom, or sis can also easily check once he forget to take his medicine.. Its doing great, well great for a couple of days only..

Shit happened.. Was working in the office at around 16.00 when mom text: “Dik, td ibu tinggal tidur, tiba-tiba 2 obat yang 18.30 dah ilang, kayaknya diminum, tapi bapak ditanya diem aja”.. Its gastric meds, prevent nausea and vomit, so it should be OK at that time.. Belum sempat membalas, another text went in: “Dik, yang jam 21.00 ibu tinggal ke teras belanja, ilang juga, diminum juga”.. Not a single second went by for me to wrap and pack up my things, and heading home at that moment.. The 21.00 med is morphine contained.. Only been given during excruciating pain, the last resort, in case obat-obatan pereda nyeri lain tidak mempan.. But when its given, 12 hours gap must be maintained per each, to avoid overdose atapun agar tidak menyebabkan ketergantungan.. And dad, after drinking all other meds (sesuai dan yang tidak sesuai jamnya), drink another morphine in less than 7 hours..

I was worry when I was driving home, texting with several of friends who happened to be a doctor, asking the effect and solutions for 2 dose of morphine if accidently given.. Eventually, it should be OK, however we spend the rest of the night, checking pulse/blood pressure/eye respond of dad, monitoring whether he needed to be rush into UGD or not.. But all ends well eventually.. Dad, however, shows some signs of hallucinating/irresponsive.. Mentioning the wrong words for the wrong things, asking stuffs which is not related.. Maybe he’s high on morphine, hahaha, maybe.. Ditanyain pun, antara diam, ataupun dijawab kalau dia tidak tahu, bingung..

His wrong meds event, ditambah dengan jawaban-jawaban bapak tadi, took it tolls on mom.. She lose hope at that time.. She was crying when I arrived home, saying that its better for her and dad to go home to Surabaya instead, ga usah diobati lagi, lha bapak sendiri sudah tidak semangat.. Its, … I cannot find the right word to say it, either in english or in indonesia word.. Its, devastating perhaps? Its too much pain felt the second my mom say it.. But my respond were, “Ngga lah, bapak cuma bingung, nanti dipikirkan cara lain minum obatnya”.. But is it? Is he just confuse?

I spent the rest of the night making an agenda to administer dad meds.. Bapak udah ga boleh lagi ngambil obat sendiri, it is have to be me, mom, or sist yang ngasi obatnya.. Mom and sis can refer to the agenda that I prepare every night..

While doing so, the reality strike me.. Dad wasnt hallucinating because of the morphine itself.. Dad is start to confuse/hallucinating even before he took morphine (since morphine was only given 2 days earlier).. Dad stays almost 24 hours in his room, mostly sleep, or just sit in the bed corner, doing nothing.. Not a single word was said.. Not even when visitor comes, no matter how close his relationship with his friends who visit him.. Just rarely a short word to me/mom/sist ketika kita menanyakan apapun ke dia.. Bapak cuma mengangguk ketika menjawab iya/sudah.. Cuma menggeleng ketika menjawab belum/tidak.. Bahkan ketika ditanyakan apa yang dia rasakan, agar bisa memberikan obat yang tepat, he just sit there and smile..

His respond is decreasing towards interaction.. And all I can remember is his words when he still manage to speak: “Udah capek ngerasa sakit, ga sembuh sembuh”.. He is losing hope..

 

For those of you who knows my father, and what he do for a living, his life is full of hope.. He and mom is full of hope regarding our daily life, yang mungkin bisa dikatakan cukup berat saat 10-30 tahun lalu secara ekonomi, but he and mom succeed in it, and mostly berhasil dijalani dengan memiliki harapan, harapan bahwa masa sesulit apapun, ekonomi sekurang apapun, kehidupan seberat apapun, sebandel apapun anaknya (hahaha), harapan masa depan yang lebih akan tetap ada.. Not only that, but his job was (if its written in his jobdesc) was to give hope to other people, apapun masalah orang tersebut.. Dad is a hope giver.. When all other fails, when all other gives up, when all other dont know what to do, dad gives hope to them..

I still remember, many years ago, saat Bapak sakit batuk dan sesak, tapi Bapak masih menyempatkan diri mengunjungi warga yang sakit, naik motor malam-malam.. I angrily said to him, “Masih sakit, masa ngunjungin orang sakit?” His respond left me confused, but also amazed “Yang lagi mau dibesuk/dikunjungi, lebih butuh untuk dikunjungi/dikasi harapan”. He is a hope giver..

That is why, my mind menolak suatu kenyataan bahwa dad is losing hope now.. Terlepas pengakuan ayah, terlepas tangisan ayah, terlepas raungan ayah yang menahan sakit yang tidak tertahankan tiap malam, I refuse to accept that my dad is giving up.. I reject the fact that my dad is giving up.. He must not giving up, he cannot giving up, those words supposed to be not in his dictionary.. But no matter how I tried, no matter how I reject it, the fact that his painful growl each night, slaps me back into reality and reminds me that he is “ONLY HUMAN”.. And such things as Tears, Sickness, Pain, and Losing Hope, just proving that it is humanely thing to have..