Losing Hope
Losing hope is the most difficult part..
Day 50 of oral chemoteraphy at home (read: Suatu Adenocarcinoma).. Kemoterapi Bapak memasuki hari ke 50.. Thats 50 pills per day, thats 50 millions cost of pills (thanks to BPJS its free, read: Masih Untung), thats 50 days full of up and down feelings..
The reaction is different each day or week.. Sometimes dad mual dan muntah sepanjang hari, tapi sometimes tidak mual tidak muntah sama sekali.. Sometimes batuk tidak terhenti sepanjang hari, tapi sometimes batuk hilang tanpa bekas.. Sometimes tidak bisa makan walaupun cuma sesendok, tapi sometimes nafsu makan bapak kayak orang sehat.. Sometimes bapak ga bisa tidur berhari-hari, tapi sometimes tidur terus sampai bapak sendiri merasa bosan tidur.. Sometimes badan terasa bugar, tapi sometimes rasa sakit menyerang dada bapak teramat sangat..
Efek yang menetap cuma 1, bintik-bintik jerawat merah (rash) di wajah dan kulit badan disertai dengan kulit yang mengering.. Doc said (before we start the whole chemo process), that this effect is surely be there, some even would say the more the rash, the more the meds work.. Bisa aja diobati, tapi kalaupun harus dengan obat, mending fokus mengobati efek samping yang lain, mualnya kah, batuknya kah, sakitnya kah..
Luckily, sebagai orang yang berkutat dengan banyaknya obat sepanjang hidup dengan banyaknya penyakit yang saya derita, I can assume myself as a trained otodidak when it come to medication and drugs.. The medicine dad has to take, is too much.. 3x obat mual, 2x obat lambung, 3x obat sesak, 3x obat batuk, 2-3x obat nyeri, 1x obat kemo, 1x obat jantung, itupun belum jika ditambah obat-obat lain lagi, seandainya muncul efek lain, ataupun efek yang muncul semakin besar.. So, when dad start to give up on drinking meds, the only solution is too administer the meds depending on his needs.. With this way, we can limit the numbers of meds he had to take daily, eventough it also means, we have to changed the meds scope each day..
No, its not impossible.. Difficult? Maybe, but as I said in the previous notes, read: SUSAH bukan berarti GAK BISA.. Many ways were tried, setting alarm in dad’s phone stating what meds he had to take and what time he had to take them, membagi obat dalam masing-masing zona waktu, termasuk menulis nama obat-obatnya dengan huruf kapital bold besar.. But 1x, 2x, 3x, dad keeps missing/mistaken in taking the meds.. Since obat-obatan yang disediakan hanya untuk konsumsi 1-2 hari, sehingga bisa dengan gampang dicek ketika ada obat yang salah/lupa minum.. When asked to dad? He simply said, “Bingung”..
Another ways were tried then.. Providing his own personal timesheet, ditempel di pintu, dikasi jam, so he do not need to remember the name of the meds (memang sih, baru sadar, its too many meds, too many names).. Tinggal liat hari, samain jam, minum.. Me, mom, or sis can also easily check once he forget to take his medicine.. Its doing great, well great for a couple of days only..
Shit happened.. Was working in the office at around 16.00 when mom text: “Dik, td ibu tinggal tidur, tiba-tiba 2 obat yang 18.30 dah ilang, kayaknya diminum, tapi bapak ditanya diem aja”.. Its gastric meds, prevent nausea and vomit, so it should be OK at that time.. Belum sempat membalas, another text went in: “Dik, yang jam 21.00 ibu tinggal ke teras belanja, ilang juga, diminum juga”.. Not a single second went by for me to wrap and pack up my things, and heading home at that moment.. The 21.00 med is morphine contained.. Only been given during excruciating pain, the last resort, in case obat-obatan pereda nyeri lain tidak mempan.. But when its given, 12 hours gap must be maintained per each, to avoid overdose atapun agar tidak menyebabkan ketergantungan.. And dad, after drinking all other meds (sesuai dan yang tidak sesuai jamnya), drink another morphine in less than 7 hours..
I was worry when I was driving home, texting with several of friends who happened to be a doctor, asking the effect and solutions for 2 dose of morphine if accidently given.. Eventually, it should be OK, however we spend the rest of the night, checking pulse/blood pressure/eye respond of dad, monitoring whether he needed to be rush into UGD or not.. But all ends well eventually.. Dad, however, shows some signs of hallucinating/irresponsive.. Mentioning the wrong words for the wrong things, asking stuffs which is not related.. Maybe he’s high on morphine, hahaha, maybe.. Ditanyain pun, antara diam, ataupun dijawab kalau dia tidak tahu, bingung..
His wrong meds event, ditambah dengan jawaban-jawaban bapak tadi, took it tolls on mom.. She lose hope at that time.. She was crying when I arrived home, saying that its better for her and dad to go home to Surabaya instead, ga usah diobati lagi, lha bapak sendiri sudah tidak semangat.. Its, … I cannot find the right word to say it, either in english or in indonesia word.. Its, devastating perhaps? Its too much pain felt the second my mom say it.. But my respond were, “Ngga lah, bapak cuma bingung, nanti dipikirkan cara lain minum obatnya”.. But is it? Is he just confuse?
I spent the rest of the night making an agenda to administer dad meds.. Bapak udah ga boleh lagi ngambil obat sendiri, it is have to be me, mom, or sist yang ngasi obatnya.. Mom and sis can refer to the agenda that I prepare every night..
While doing so, the reality strike me.. Dad wasnt hallucinating because of the morphine itself.. Dad is start to confuse/hallucinating even before he took morphine (since morphine was only given 2 days earlier).. Dad stays almost 24 hours in his room, mostly sleep, or just sit in the bed corner, doing nothing.. Not a single word was said.. Not even when visitor comes, no matter how close his relationship with his friends who visit him.. Just rarely a short word to me/mom/sist ketika kita menanyakan apapun ke dia.. Bapak cuma mengangguk ketika menjawab iya/sudah.. Cuma menggeleng ketika menjawab belum/tidak.. Bahkan ketika ditanyakan apa yang dia rasakan, agar bisa memberikan obat yang tepat, he just sit there and smile..
His respond is decreasing towards interaction.. And all I can remember is his words when he still manage to speak: “Udah capek ngerasa sakit, ga sembuh sembuh”.. He is losing hope..
For those of you who knows my father, and what he do for a living, his life is full of hope.. He and mom is full of hope regarding our daily life, yang mungkin bisa dikatakan cukup berat saat 10-30 tahun lalu secara ekonomi, but he and mom succeed in it, and mostly berhasil dijalani dengan memiliki harapan, harapan bahwa masa sesulit apapun, ekonomi sekurang apapun, kehidupan seberat apapun, sebandel apapun anaknya (hahaha), harapan masa depan yang lebih akan tetap ada.. Not only that, but his job was (if its written in his jobdesc) was to give hope to other people, apapun masalah orang tersebut.. Dad is a hope giver.. When all other fails, when all other gives up, when all other dont know what to do, dad gives hope to them..
I still remember, many years ago, saat Bapak sakit batuk dan sesak, tapi Bapak masih menyempatkan diri mengunjungi warga yang sakit, naik motor malam-malam.. I angrily said to him, “Masih sakit, masa ngunjungin orang sakit?” His respond left me confused, but also amazed “Yang lagi mau dibesuk/dikunjungi, lebih butuh untuk dikunjungi/dikasi harapan”. He is a hope giver..
That is why, my mind menolak suatu kenyataan bahwa dad is losing hope now.. Terlepas pengakuan ayah, terlepas tangisan ayah, terlepas raungan ayah yang menahan sakit yang tidak tertahankan tiap malam, I refuse to accept that my dad is giving up.. I reject the fact that my dad is giving up.. He must not giving up, he cannot giving up, those words supposed to be not in his dictionary.. But no matter how I tried, no matter how I reject it, the fact that his painful growl each night, slaps me back into reality and reminds me that he is “ONLY HUMAN”.. And such things as Tears, Sickness, Pain, and Losing Hope, just proving that it is humanely thing to have..
SUSAH bukan berarti GAK BISA
Chapter 3.
Many were asking.. Susah kan ngurus BPJS? Susah kan, ribet kan prosedur-prosedurnya? Ya, memang susah, memang ribet, but then again, SUSAH bukan berarti GAK BISA..
Previously on:
Part 1. Suatu Adenocarcinoma
Part 2. Masih Untung
Bapak eventually dirawat di RS Kepresidenan Pusat Angkatan Darat (RSPAD), one of the top hospital tidak hanya di Jakarta, tapi juga di Indonesia.. RS Kepresidenan? Ya, yang dulunya cuma disebut RSPAD, sekarang ditambahkan embel-embel ditengahnya, RS Kepresidenan, karena sekarang RS ini juga merangkap RS resmi khusus Presiden RI dan mantan-mantan Presiden/Wapres lainnya.. That is why Habibie and SBY once dirawat disana, that is why Jokowi or JK or Prabowo mengunjungi mereka disana.. So, how cool is that, my dad, seorang yang hampir 50 thn awal hidupnya tidak menyangka bisa mengunjungi jakarta, sekarang malah bisa berbaring dan dirawat di RS-nya Pak Presiden 😀 kereeeen.. Bahkan, dapat kartunya, asli keren, bangga wkwkwkwk
But, kok bapak bisa dirawat disana? Pensiunan Jendral ya? Punya kenalan orang dalam? Bayar pavilion yang mahal ya? Nope, dad was definitely not related to Army/Navy/Air Force or whatsoever.. Dan we are fully BPJS, means we have to undergo all needed procedure before we can get to RSPAD.. A long administrated exhausted process..
Apa bisa langsung datang ke RSPAD minta dirawat dengan BPJS? Bisa, bisa digebukin banyak orang 😀 eh bisa ding, as long as you are carried away ke UGD langsung, but its only for emergency, and once you are not emergency, they will deny you if you dont follow the procedure.. Prosedurnya, mau ga mau harus ke Faskes 1, this are the frontline of our medical facility.. Never ever pandang faskes 1 sebelah mata, or the doctors di klinik/puskesmas ga professional, they do know, they do proffesional, and their job is to know apa memang bener sakit kita ini sakit yang bisa dirujuk ke RS selanjutnya, bisa diobati disitu, atau sebenarnya cuma sekadar bilang sakit biar bolos kerja..
Once dirasa sakit kita memang harus dirujuk, baru lah bokap at that time goes to RS tipe B, itupun karena sebelumnya bapak sempat ke RS Jantung (bayar dhewe), dan muncul laporan serangan jantung.. Tanpa laporan itu, ya faskes cuma bisa merujuk ke RS tipe D atau C dulu, ga bisa langsung naik kelas ke RSPAD (tipe A)..
Di RS, mau sakit sebanyak apapun, butuh konsul ke beberapa dokter pun, you cannot do it all in one day.. BPJS only provide 1 doctor/1 examination/1 day.. So if you want to visit Dokter Paru, kemudian Dokter Paru nyuruh konsul ke Dokter Jantung dan Dokter Penyakit Dalam, sekalian rontgen dan CT thorax, it means you have to go 5 days to the hospital, ga peduli dokternya sebenarnya ada di hari yang sama, ga peduli ini masih siang masih bisa lanjut ke yang lain, its not the fault of the hospital, but those are the regulation.. Jangankan visit dokter, if you need some tindakan medis such as Pasang Ring seandainya jantung anda bermasalah, dan hasil pemeriksaannya mewajibkan anda pasang 4 ring misalnya, mostly you cannot pasang those 4 ring in 1 medical action.. Yang ada hari ini pasang 1 ring dulu, nanti beberapa minggu/bulan kemudian pasang lagi 1, dst, dst.. Ribet? Iya.. Susah? Iya.. Tapi SUSAH, bukan berarti GAK BISA..
Thats the process, tujuannya ya agar pengobatan dan dana yang dialokasikan tepat sasaran.. No other reason.. And all the people working in the hospital, dokternya, susternya, administrasinya, trust me, they just following the rules, jangan pernah menyepelekan mereka, ataupun malah marah dan memaki mereka karena aturannya ribet, its not their fault, but if they dont make the rule, or follow the rule, makin merugi lagi nanti BPJS, dan kalau rugi dan pemerintah memutuskan stop, we will lose all the benefits.. So, respect them, respect the doctor/nurse/staff, and let them do their job correctly, as same as we do, we need to follow the process correctly, never asked to be respected/helped, if you dont want to respect/help others..
But wait, before we continue to discuss rujukan berjenjang BPJS, let me share a bit tentang antrian BPJS.. You have to start early, like really early, like in the morning, like gosh i never even say the word “morning” sebelum bapak sakit.. For me, hari dimulai dari siang, bukan dari pagi.. Kalaupun toh dipaksa pagi, pagi for me start at 10.00.. Sebelum jam 10.00, semuanya masih samar-samar sayup-sayup subuh.. And dont lecture me about the “early birds get the worms”, atau dalam bahasa indonesia, “rejeki keburu dipatok ayam, kalau ga bangun pagi”.. Its OK for me, akan saya biarkan ayam itu mematok rejeki pagi hari, dan ketika sudah siang, saya akan bangun dan menggoreng ayam itu 😀 jadi, ane dapat rejeki yang tadi sudah kepatok ayam, belum lagi a nice fried chicken 😀
Antri pendaftaran BPJS, we always arrived and start around 06.00.. Means berangkat dari rumah ya jam 05.00 atau jam 05.30, itu agar dapat nomer antrian at least dibawah 5 nomer.. Padahal, loket pendaftaran terkadang baru buka jam 07.00.. This however vary among hospitals, ada yang baru buka jam 08.00 juga bahkan.. Jam antrian tadi juga berbeda per RS, ada yang kadang nitip Satpam/OB antri sejak jam 04.00.. If you come late, around 08.00 baru ngantri, you will get at least antrian nomer 30-50..
So, take your number, and feel free to wait, and wait, and wait, sampai loket pendaftaran dibuka.. Sometimes the process is slow, menjengkelkan, but its not just the fault of the officer, tapi jg kadang karena pasiennya sendiri, data ga lengkap lah, ga melalui rujukan dibawahnya lah, maunya dianggap VIP kayak bayar, tapi ga mau ngikuti proses.. Lha prosesnya mbulet, lama.. Lama? Iya.. Susah? Iya.. Tapi SUSAH bukan berarti GAK BISA..
Toh, it works for a lot of people too..
Seberapa susahnya sih ngurus nya? I will give you two real experience example..
Pas daftar ke salah satu RS, kami harus fotokopi KTP, kartu BPJS, dan surat rujukan.. If you dont bring the fotocopy, wasalam.. Bukan wasalam dalam artian tidak akan diproses, tapi kadang ga ada fotokopian di RS.. Harus pergi keluar RS, jalan kaki kalau dekat, ngojek kalau jauh.. Terlepas diluar/didalam RS, belum tentu sudah buka juga jam 8.00, kalaupun buka, belum tentu ga antri, antriannya 10-20 orang yang jelas berdesak-desakan karena fotokopian ga ada sistem nomer antrian..
If you are lucky enough untuk menyelesaikan proses daftar, setelah konsul, kadang diminta konsul/tindakan lain, ga bisa langsung juga, mesti balik lagi fotokopi surat pengantar konsul/tindakan, antri lagi.. Udah kelar fotokopi, mau daftar tindakan (rontgen misalnya), dimintain lagi kopi KTP/BPJS/rujukan.. Yach kan kemarin udah disubmit, nope, you have to bring again, alias (kalau belum punya extra kopi) ya ngantri lagi, fotokopi lagi..
Dad’s special med? Chemo med? Ambil surat pengantar, fotokopi surat pengantar, bawa ke apotek, fotokopi lagi bukti-bukti pendukung hasil tindakan, bawa lagi ke sekretariat kemo, stempel, fotokopi lagi dokumen hasil stempel, bawa lagi ke apotek kemo.. Resepnya gabung ama resep obat biasa, ups, fotokopi lagi resep biasanya, agar bisa ditebus di apotek biasa.. Capek? Iya.. Susah? Iya.. Tapi SUSAH bukan berarti GAK BISA..
Jadi, if you going to undergo BPJS process so you can get a free medical fee, bersiaplah, prosesnya akan RIBET, LAMA, CAPEK, dan SUSAH.. Tapi whatever you need to go thru, SUSAH bukan berarti GAK BISA..
Unfortunately, this magic word, also works for hope.. A fading hope to be precise.. Harapan yang memudar.. Sama kayak RIBET, LAMA, dan CAPEK tadi, HARAPAN yang pudar juga sebenarnya SUSAH.. Susah untuk kehilangan pengharapan.. But then again, SUSAH bukan berarti GAK BISA.. And lately, setelah sekian bulan kunjungan ke beberapa RS, setelah sekian hari kami habiskan di RS, setelah sekian jam kami antri menunggu, setelah sekian belas obat-obatan dalam sehari, dan finally setelah kurang lebih 50 hari ayah kemo melalui pil yang diminum, HARAPAN yang seharusnya SUSAH pudar, ternyata bukan berarti GAK BISA pudar.. He, my dad, and my mom who stood by him, both of them who believe in hope, who use to teach about hope to other people, who I always imagine that it will be difficult/impossible for them to give up, start to LOSING HOPE..
Masih Untung
Chapter 2.
Buat yang sudah baca “Suatu Adenocarcinoma”, tulisan itu diakhiri dengan kutipan “Masih Untung”.. Jadi untuk kelanjutannya, kali ini judulnya: Masih Untung..
Terlahir sebagai orang jawa, ataupun terlahir sebagai orang apapun, jelas memiliki plus minusnya masing-masing.. Tapi, kalaupun boleh menyombongkan diri sedikit, paling enak memang jadi orang jawa, karena punya peribahasa “masih untung”.. Dulu saya kerampokan laptop di dalam mobil, masih untung mobilnya ga ikut ilang.. Pernah juga digebukin preman, dipukul kepala saya pakai helm teropong, masih untung kaga mati.. Kecelakaan tabrakan di tol, masih untung cuma mobil yang rusak, badan utuh..
Begitulah orang jawa, semuanya selalu masih untung, tidak pernah merasa rugi.. Kalaupun toh rugi sedikit, masih untung tidak rugi banyak.. Kalaupun rugi banyak? Masih untung, tidak sampai bangkrut.. Kalau bangkrut? Masih untung, masih diberi hidup.. Hehehe.. Menjalani proses kanker paru ayah juga mau ga mau membuat pepatah jawa ini kembali kami resapi tiap hari..
Sekilas di perjalanan mobil menuju Rumah Sakit, dalam rangka menyemangati orang tua (baik bokap yang menderita kanker paru stad 4, ataupun nyokap yang khawatir) sempat terucap dan tersampaikan pepatah ini.. Masih untung lho, ketauannya sekarang.. “Lho, bukannya dah telat?”, kata Ibu.. “Sudah segede gelas kankernya (12x8x6 cm), sudah stadium 4 baru tau” lanjutnya.. Iya, memang sudah segede gelas, memang sudah stadium 4, tapi masih untung lho ketauan sekarang.. Kok bisa?
Masih untung, tidak ketauan 20 thn lalu.. Walaupun sempat dirontgen ada sesuatu yang aneh, tapi tidak dilanjutkan pemeriksaan detail.. Lha 20 tahun yang lalu secara ekonomi pasti akan kaget, ga stabil sama sekali dan terguncang ekonomi keluarga kita.. Anak-anak (saya dan mbak) juga masih kecil-kecil, masih sekolah, masih bandelnya bukan main, mau bantuin gimana kalau bapak ibu sakit, lha ibu sendiri juga kaget-an, gumun-an, bingung-an.. Siapa yang mau ngurusin? Masih untung, tidak ketauan 20 thn lalu..
Masih untung tidak ketauan 10 thn lalu.. Walaupun anak-anak dah gede, dah bisa ngurusin, tapi kendaraan aja ga punya, kemana-mana masih ngangkot, belum ada grab apalagi gojek karya anak bangsa (merdeka!!!), penghasilan pas-pas an buat bayar kos, 3×3 meter, buat sendiri aja sempit, gimana buat rame-rame sekeluarga kalau pas dirawat di Jakarta semua gini? Masih untung, tidak ketauan 10 thn lalu..
Masih untung tidak ketauan 5 thn lalu.. Walaupun dah punya mobil, bisa anter sana sini, sudah punya rumah masing-masing, ga perlu desak-desakan di kamar kos, tapi grab gojek belum semaju ini, gojek baru mulai, grab baru masuk, belum stabil.. BPJS? Masih masalah sana sini, masih banyak komplain, belum nyaman, antrian berjibun.. Masih untung, tidak ketauan 5 thn lalu..
Masih untung ketauan sekarang.. Anak-anak dah sama-sama kerja, dah sama-sama punya rumah, ada kendaraan bisa anter sana sini, kalaupun pas ga bisa, masih ada grab gojek, tinggal lep, eh tinggal srut duduk manis nyampe.. BPJS, walaupun banyak orang bilang belum sempurna, tapi udah mantap jaya banget.. Kalau ga ada BPJS, estimate pemeriksaan dah 100 juta sendiri, kateter, bronchoscopy, biopsi, rontgen, CT thorax, CT kepala, Bone Scan, USG, Lab, all you can mention dah.. Belum lagi puluhan (literally puluhan) kali harus kontrol dan periksa ke dokter-dokter spesialis.. Obat? No, those 100 million is not including obat..
Obat is another different story.. So, few of doctors said, sakitnya bapak ini, udah sakit yang paling enak.. Iya si, serem, iya si, susah, tapi enak.. Kok bisa? First, it is adenocarcinoma, kanker paru.. jelas ilmu medisnya.. Secondly, with one specific test called EGFR, its positif.. And the doctors is really excited ketika tau EGFRnya positif.. Coz when its positif, means dad tidak perlu menjalani kemo by infus, yang harus tiap beberapa minggu ke RS, dirawat opname, ga boleh mulai/pulang sebelum stabil, bikin rambut rontok, dsb.. Dad chemo is by oral, drinking pill, every single day AT HOME.. How luck is that? Masih untung kan.. Ga perlu nginap-nginap RS dan bikin jadwal ketetekan keteteran..
Wait, I havent finished.. Obatnya HET (harga eceran tertinggi) is 1 million/pill.. So if my dad should drink 90 pills for 90 days, its 90 million alone.. But, BPJS paid for all.. Masih untung ada BPJS kan.. And, another one, this specific drugs can only be prescripted by BPJS for free if the EGFR result is positif, if its not and you still wanna do the chemo by pills, BPJS ga akan tanggung, alias bayar dhewe, so because we are not one of #crazyrichsurabaya, masih untung kan?
Its still tough.. Its still tough seeing perkembangan ayah dan semangatnya yang mulai padam, but nevertheless, mengutip kata-kata atasan saya di kantor, masih untung Bapak dikarunai kanker paru, its a blessing.. He could of gone a year ago saat serangan jantung, or he could of gone for any other cause by suddenly.. This cancer gives him and us opportunity to prepare for the worst, enjoy our days together, and one thing for sure, to fight menuju kesembuhan..
Its still tough, but as what I said many years ago saat kuliah, “SUSAH, bukan berarti GAK BISA”..
Suatu Adenocarcinoma
Chapter 1.
Since 2011, July is never a good month for me..
You name it, anger, sadness, accident, sickness, pain, heartbreak, disaster, whatever it is, it is always come in July.. Believe it or not, it is..
The date is July 20th 2018..
Setelah hampir 6 bulan lamanya, pemeriksaan dan pengobatan ayah yang bermula dari serangan jantung ringan, dan kemudian menjalani pemeriksaan pemeriksaan selanjutnya, day after day, week after week, month after month, we finally know what is going on with dad.. Two short words printed on the result of his biopsi.. “Suatu Adenocarcinoma”.. Didnt took that long for me to grab my phone and type the exact word in google, dad got kanker paru..
A quote passes by my head, during the 911 attack to the world trade centre in 2011, a guy in the shades of songs background once said: “We expect for the worst, but didnt think it could happen, and this is the worst”..
Wisata Medika, that is how we (me, dad, mom, and sist) used to call it.. Klinik Popy, RS Eka, RS Delta Surya, RS Harapan Kita, RS Omni, RS Medika, RSPAD Gatot Subroto, you named it, we go thru’ it all.. Day after day, sometime almost every single day in a week.. More than 35 visit.. And each in every visit, we did expect for the worst, but didnt think it could happen, until that two short word, bring us the worst..
Next several weeks after, we still need to undergo several examination.. Head scan, Bone scan, USG Abdomen (Stomach Scan), it all just adding up dad experience in all needed scan.. Good news is, dad enjoys every process, cool machine, professional and helpful doctors and nurses, short meals in every hospital corners, beberapa bahkan jadi langganan favorit bokap.. Mom too, she enjoy the process as “dinas”, bangun tiap subuh, berangkat pagi pagi menghindari ganjil genap, kapan lagi ngerasa jadi pegawai (as she spent her entire life berwirausaha).. Bad news is? After all the scan here scan there finish, I have to add several words on those previous two short words.. Kanker Paru Stadium 4..
His class 4 cancer was somehow related to something called EGFR+ (positive), some mutation in his cells.. Those result, determine that he should undergo chemotherapy by oral, by pills, every single day, for the rest of his life.. The pills cost 1 million rupiah (75 USD) per each, so it will need 30 million rupiah (2,250 USD) per month.. Luckily, BPJS was there to save the day, all of the pills were given free of charge (30 each per month).. Dad was relieved (since all of our savings combined wont able to buy those pills).. Mom was making a joke saat menerima 30 biji yang pertama, “boleh ga ya dituker beberapa gram perhiasan emas?”.. Its still a blessing.. Or as a javanese people would say “masih untung ya gratis”..
“Masih untung”.. Those two short words juga lagi sering terucap saat-saat seperti ini.. Masih untung saat serangan jantung pertama (efek dari penekanan kanker) dad still survive.. Masih untung dr.Popy iseng memeriksa ayah dan me-refer ke dokter jantung.. Masih untung pemeriksaannya semua gratis.. Masih untung ketauan kanker (walaupun telat).. Masih untung bisa diobati pakai pill.. Masih untung pakai BPJS.. Masih untung obatnya gratis.. Masih untung ada mobil untuk kesana kesini.. Masih untung ini.. Masih untung itu.. And yes, we lived by those words.. Masih untung.. Dan yang pasti, masih untung jadi orang jawa, jadi punya pepatah “masih untung” 😀 coba kalau terlahir jadi orang bule mungkin pepatahnya ganti “still-luck”, ga seberapa catchy 😀
Days went by.. Its more than a month now we undergo oral chemotherapy.. Many side effects.. Mual, muntah, batuk, jerawat/luka/rash di kulit wajah dan badan, rasa nyeri yang teramat sangat, tremor, dan rasa disorientasi ayah (pikun?) datang bergantian.. Med combination was also given to reduce the side effect.. Many tools and ways were provided, at least agar kombinasi-kombinasi obat itu bisa diabsorb tubuh dengan baik, dan tidak terlupa.. Sometime, dad mual dan muntah dengan teramat sangat, ataupun batuk tanpa henti, sampai merasakan nyeri yang tidak tertahan.. Its painful to see or hear all of that.. Dad was sometimes tired and start to give up, mom was worry like hell, but one thing for sure, I am not giving up.. i’m still pumped up to undergo the process.. And i will fight..
This story is not ended.. No, its not.. But I will end this writing for now, by quoting three from my several favourite quote..
“Fight the fight you can fight, not just the one you can win” taken from a movie of American President, 1995..
Also a quote from Indonesian writers Andrea Hirata dalam bukunya Padang Bulan “Ini Aku! Putra Ayahku! Berikan padaku sesuatu yang besar untuk kutaklukkan! Beri aku mimpi-mimpi yang tak mungkin karena aku belum menyerah! Takkan pernah menyerah. Takkan Pernah!”
And last, but not least: “Masih untung”, as in “masih untung udah ngantuk, jadi ga panjang-panjang nulisnya”.. Nitety Nite..
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